SPEAKER_1: Welcome to StarTalk, your place in the universe where science and pop culture collide.
SPEAKER_1: StarTalk begins right now.
SPEAKER_1: Welcome to StarTalk Radio.
SPEAKER_1: I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
SPEAKER_1: This week, we're featuring our first show performed in front of a live audience at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York.
SPEAKER_3: It is now my very great pleasure to introduce the host of StarTalk, ladies and gentlemen, the director of the Hayden Planetarium from the Museum of Natural History, Neil Tyson.
SPEAKER_1: Eugene, you've got your guests.
SPEAKER_3: Yes, ladies and gentlemen from Flight of the Conchords and The Daily Show, Kristen Schaal.
SPEAKER_3: And from 30 Rock, Scott Adsit.
SPEAKER_3: And Neil?
SPEAKER_1: No, Eugene, I was not going to go into this empty-handed.
SPEAKER_3: I just want you to know.
SPEAKER_1: I would like to introduce you to my special guest.
SPEAKER_1: This person really needs no introduction.
SPEAKER_1: Join me in giving a very warm welcome to Alan Alda.
SPEAKER_4: They're you-ulating.
SPEAKER_1: Well, they know when they're in the presence of royalty.
SPEAKER_3: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: I gotta tell people what this guy's been up to.
SPEAKER_1: We all remember him as Hawkeye on MASH, of course.
SPEAKER_1: But the guy has devoted half his life to trying to bring science to the general public.
SPEAKER_1: He hosted Scientific American Frontiers for PBS.
SPEAKER_1: He's written and performed in plays that involve science themes.
SPEAKER_1: You even performed as Richard Feynman in a play.
SPEAKER_4: Right.
SPEAKER_1: That's audacious.
SPEAKER_4: It was wonderful.
SPEAKER_4: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: And most recently, you wrote a play about Marie Curie.
SPEAKER_4: That's going to open in Los Angeles in November.
SPEAKER_1: You wrote that play.
SPEAKER_4: I wrote it, yeah.
SPEAKER_1: But you're not Marie Curie in the play.
SPEAKER_4: I'm not Marie Curie.
SPEAKER_1: But it's got a great title.
SPEAKER_1: Tell me the title of this play.
SPEAKER_4: The title of the play is Radiance.
SPEAKER_1: Radiance.
SPEAKER_4: The passion of Marie Curie.
SPEAKER_1: That is beautiful.
SPEAKER_4: Because she was passionate about science and about the men she loved.
SPEAKER_4: And it's an extremely dramatic story.
SPEAKER_1: So let's get started.
SPEAKER_1: Welcome to StarTalk Radio.
SPEAKER_1: We are broadcasting live from Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_3: You briefly didn't know where you were.
SPEAKER_1: I was trying to say live from the Bell House, but no one would know that from like around the world.
SPEAKER_3: They will now.
SPEAKER_1: I will work my way live from Brooklyn, the Bell House, yes.
SPEAKER_3: In beautiful, superfunded guanis.
SPEAKER_1: All right, let's just go right off the bat.
SPEAKER_1: Let's just talk about aliens, okay?
SPEAKER_1: I've been angry with Hollywood aliens because they've always had like two arms, two legs, a torso, a neck, a head, eyes.
SPEAKER_1: Maybe they have four fingers instead of five or antennae, but they still look humanoid.
SPEAKER_1: And we have life on earth with whom we have DNA in common that looks less like us than Hollywood aliens do.
SPEAKER_1: That's how you know Hollywood does not have the creativity that the actual universe does.
SPEAKER_1: And so if somebody...
SPEAKER_4: Have you ever seen a movie written by Pluto?
SPEAKER_1: No.
SPEAKER_4: No, of course not.
SPEAKER_4: No wonder the way you talk about it.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, I think I dissed Pluto.
SPEAKER_3: There's a movie I think from the 80s where a cat crash lands on earth.
SPEAKER_3: Is that at all what you mean?
SPEAKER_2: I think there's another one about a duck, not from here.
SPEAKER_1: Well, here's the problem.
SPEAKER_1: The aliens always have faces, and a face is a vertebrate thing to have.
SPEAKER_1: Did you know this?
SPEAKER_4: A face is a what?
SPEAKER_1: Is a vertebrate thing to have.
SPEAKER_3: Is that good or bad?
SPEAKER_1: That's...
SPEAKER_1: So all vertebrates...
SPEAKER_4: Yeah, what's your spine have to do with your face?
SPEAKER_1: Well, it's a good question.
SPEAKER_1: Everything that has a spine has a face.
SPEAKER_3: Is there more life on Earth that has a face or doesn't have a face?
SPEAKER_1: Way more life on Earth that is faceless.
SPEAKER_1: Worms, trees...
SPEAKER_4: All the stuff under the Earth.
SPEAKER_4: There's way more stuff living under the Earth than on top of...
SPEAKER_1: The latest calculations have shown that there is more biomass, the total mass of living things that exist below our surface than crawls around on its surface.
SPEAKER_3: How many of them have gone into space on purpose?
SPEAKER_3: Just curious.
SPEAKER_1: None.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_1: So...
SPEAKER_3: Zing!
SPEAKER_1: You might argue that in order to build a spaceship...
SPEAKER_4: You need a face.
SPEAKER_1: You need a face.
SPEAKER_4: First of all, you might point in the wrong direction.
SPEAKER_1: You need, like, fingers and a face, you're saying.
SPEAKER_4: You got this worm that keeps, like, trying to get into outer space and it keeps going deeper and deeper.
SPEAKER_1: It's got the wrong direction.
SPEAKER_1: He doesn't know.
SPEAKER_1: Right.
SPEAKER_5: I think Star Trek has taught us that the only difference between us and other intelligent life forms is forehead design.
SPEAKER_5: Prove me wrong.
SPEAKER_5: Right now.
SPEAKER_1: Well, what is odd is how many people across the galaxy who are not human that Kirk could have sex with?
SPEAKER_5: He would have sex with that worm you were talking about.
SPEAKER_1: Now, we've actually tried to make contact with aliens.
SPEAKER_1: The very first effort to do this was the Pioneer spacecraft launched in the early 1970s.
SPEAKER_1: Why would that be distinguished among all others?
SPEAKER_1: We gave it enough speed to leave the solar system entirely and never come back.
SPEAKER_1: Given that that was the first spacecraft for which that fact was true, we, the people who did it, we, my people, my community of astrophysicists...
SPEAKER_1: NASA?
SPEAKER_1: On the side of the Pioneer spacecraft was a plaque with iconography of who and what we are and included the return address of our solar system.
SPEAKER_4: That's the dumbest thing we ever did.
SPEAKER_4: That's like putting on your Facebook page, I'll be away for the weekend.
SPEAKER_4: I mean, you know, when people visit, in our brief experience on Earth, if a community is visited by other people, the other people are the ones who colonize you.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, that's kind of how that has happened.
SPEAKER_1: So, let me ask you guys, are you guys worried about giving our return address to aliens?
SPEAKER_3: That guy is.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, I'm all right with it.
SPEAKER_2: As long as, you know, if they're not going to have a face, maybe they can just be like light beams.
SPEAKER_2: That'd be cool.
SPEAKER_3: I feel like if there's someone who comes here, it's not going to be because we wrote like, we love the doors or whatever we did in the 70s.
SPEAKER_1: Oh yeah, actually, wait, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_1: Actually.
SPEAKER_2: And if they can figure out an address, which is like, weird.
SPEAKER_1: It's kind of weird.
SPEAKER_1: It was actually our coordinates measured by the distances that we are from all of the pulsars in the galaxy.
SPEAKER_2: Oh, that's accurate.
SPEAKER_1: So you have to know that we were pointing to pulsars.
SPEAKER_4: You know, that accounts for the address you gave me to get here tonight.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, I gave him the wrong address.
SPEAKER_4: I went to the whole other place.
SPEAKER_4: And I didn't know I should have judged it by where the pulsars are.
SPEAKER_3: Yes, Union Hall was like, Alan Alda's ready to party.
SPEAKER_2: Ha ha ha ha.
SPEAKER_4: Ha ha ha ha.
SPEAKER_1: Sent him to Union Hall by accident.
SPEAKER_4: You know, it wasn't just the doors.
SPEAKER_4: We didn't put the doors on.
SPEAKER_1: No, no, I'll tell you what happened.
SPEAKER_1: So this experiment was so well received that the next two spacecraft, to exceed the escape velocity of the solar system, that's what that's called, the Voyager 1 and 2 crafts, we not only reprised the return address, we also cut an album on the side of the craft.
SPEAKER_1: An album, these are, it's a disc with grooves in it.
SPEAKER_4: And there was a date.
SPEAKER_3: We're all DJs, we know.
SPEAKER_1: And so on that album, it contained sounds of our species, the heartbeat, the sounds of whales, whatever they do.
SPEAKER_2: Whale has a cold.
SPEAKER_1: For all you know, you could have just like pissed off a whale with that sound.
SPEAKER_1: You have no idea what you just said to them.
SPEAKER_1: So it had all these sounds.
SPEAKER_1: It was an attempt to bring some of our culture to them.
SPEAKER_1: It even had Beethoven and Chuck Berry on it.
SPEAKER_5: Were they jamming together?
SPEAKER_1: No, no.
SPEAKER_3: It was the first mashup.
SPEAKER_1: So we're trying to be nice.
SPEAKER_1: And that project was spearheaded by Carl Sagan and his collaborators.
SPEAKER_4: These aliens are not going to come here, because the first thing that they saw or heard were our radios.
SPEAKER_4: First of all, they got all our television shows.
SPEAKER_4: Would you come here?
SPEAKER_1: So what he's saying is, he's got it right.
SPEAKER_1: Our radio signals, the ones not sent on purpose, the first ones to leave Earth were our TV signals.
SPEAKER_4: And they've been out there for years.
SPEAKER_5: So they might get here and just say, where is Hawkeye?
SPEAKER_1: I want to meet Hawkeye.
SPEAKER_4: First of all, the first thing they heard was Orson Welles' radio show about the War of the Worlds.
SPEAKER_4: And they'd listen to that.
SPEAKER_4: They're not going to come here.
SPEAKER_4: They think the place is overrun with tourists already.
SPEAKER_1: And what's also out front there is Howdy Doody and early episodes of The Honeymooners.
SPEAKER_3: And they're probably not afraid of McHale's Navy.
SPEAKER_1: I forgot all about that show.
SPEAKER_1: How did you?
SPEAKER_3: You're welcome.
SPEAKER_3: No, I remember things from before I was 10.
SPEAKER_3: Not a lot.
SPEAKER_3: That's pretty much it, actually.
SPEAKER_1: So if you want to do aliens right, maybe you just shouldn't show them at all.
SPEAKER_1: And that's how the film 2001 and the film Contact.
SPEAKER_1: They had aliens in it, they just didn't show them.
SPEAKER_1: They admitted that they were not creative enough to invent what the thing might look like, although I happen to like the beam of light idea.
SPEAKER_1: Thank you.
SPEAKER_3: Here's a question.
SPEAKER_3: What do you think the chances are that aliens have a face?
SPEAKER_3: Let's go around the room and each say...
SPEAKER_1: One in a squillion.
SPEAKER_1: Like I said, most creatures on earth don't have faces, but the question was maybe you need a face to have some face travel.
SPEAKER_1: I have no rebuttal to that.
SPEAKER_1: Now, another question is how do you define life?
SPEAKER_1: If a beam of light came across and it was life, we would probably not define it as such.
SPEAKER_2: No, we would just bask in it.
SPEAKER_5: Yeah, I mean, this could be an invasion right here.
SPEAKER_1: These floodlights here.
SPEAKER_3: We would bask as it secretly got us pregnant.
SPEAKER_1: So do you think we've been visited?
SPEAKER_1: I don't think the evidence is compelling.
SPEAKER_1: Can I tell you why?
SPEAKER_1: Because I think if an alien came, we wouldn't know it.
SPEAKER_1: I mean, it would not be, look at the fuzzy photo and listen to the eyewitness testimony, which is the lowest form of evidence in the court of law.
SPEAKER_1: Somebody says, I saw it.
SPEAKER_1: You say, okay, but come back when you got some real data.
SPEAKER_1: Come back when you got an alien carcass.
SPEAKER_1: Then we can have the conversation.
SPEAKER_1: Until then, keep hunting them down.
SPEAKER_2: But didn't we lose like a trillion dollars in our government and no one knows where it went?
SPEAKER_1: Oh, yeah, here's the thing.
SPEAKER_2: I think we could lose an alien.
SPEAKER_5: Neil, I'm concerned that you want a corpse instead of a living being.
SPEAKER_4: Okay.
SPEAKER_4: Wait a second.
SPEAKER_4: I saw the Republican debate the other night.
SPEAKER_4: I think the aliens are here.
SPEAKER_1: And their takeover plan is already underway.
SPEAKER_3: We'll come as handsome southerners.
SPEAKER_3: No one can stop us now.
SPEAKER_2: We're visible.
SPEAKER_1: When we come back to StarTalk Radio, we will continue with our live broadcast from the Bell House.
SPEAKER_1: Welcome back to StarTalk Radio.
SPEAKER_1: I'm your host, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
SPEAKER_1: We're continuing with the broadcast of our first show in front of a live audience at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival at the Bell House in Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_1: In addition to Eugene, our panel included the comedians Scott Adsit and Kristen Schaal, and our very special guest, Alan Alda.
SPEAKER_1: We learned in the early solar system that Earth sustained a period of heavy bombardment from the leftovers that hadn't quite yet made it into the planetary bodies.
SPEAKER_1: And we call that period the period of heavy bombardment.
SPEAKER_1: We learned only recently that an asteroid hits, surrounding rocks can be thrust back into space in recoil with sufficient ferocity that they can escape the planet altogether.
SPEAKER_1: Put a pin in that.
SPEAKER_1: Now, we look around Earth and find life thriving in places that would kill us post-haste.
SPEAKER_1: Life that is doing the backstroke in boiling water, high acid, high pressure, low pressure, high temperature.
SPEAKER_1: These are what we call the extremophiles, lovers of extreme environments.
SPEAKER_1: So what we have found is that if you have a rock with nooks and crannies, and if that planetary surface is rich with life, and that rock escapes the planetary surface, it can have stowaway microbes that can survive the vacuum of interplanetary space.
SPEAKER_1: And this rock moves through space and lands on another planet.
SPEAKER_1: And we have a word for it.
SPEAKER_1: It's called panspermia.
SPEAKER_1: Which means...
SPEAKER_3: Yeah, we know.
SPEAKER_3: We get it.
SPEAKER_4: I had an uncle who believed in that.
SPEAKER_1: Which means...
SPEAKER_3: We send rocks to have sex with planets.
SPEAKER_3: And on them we put only the bird flu or something.
SPEAKER_1: So here's the thing.
SPEAKER_1: Evidence shows that Mars, as a planet, had finished its heavy bombardment before we did.
SPEAKER_1: And so we think it was wet and fertile earlier than Earth was.
SPEAKER_1: That being the likelihood, a rock from Mars could have been infused with microbes from there, landing on Earth, spawning life as we know it here on Earth, which would tell us then that all life on Earth are descendants of Marsha.
SPEAKER_4: We're aliens.
SPEAKER_4: Which explains why I have this funny thing for rocks.
SPEAKER_5: So aliens have faces is what you're saying.
SPEAKER_1: Logically, I cannot refute that comment.
SPEAKER_4: Now let me ask you something.
SPEAKER_4: I talked with a scientist once who got me really upset because his idea was that we need to be able to get off of Earth eventually and colonize another planet, and we can't breathe the atmosphere on Mars, so we should pollute the atmosphere on Mars until it is breathable to us.
SPEAKER_2: That sounds exactly like a human.
SPEAKER_4: It sounds like us, doesn't it?
SPEAKER_1: You're saying we're already doing that on Earth.
SPEAKER_4: Except we're making it so we can't breathe it.
SPEAKER_4: So once we fix it so we can't breathe here, the idea is to fix Mars so you can't breathe there.
SPEAKER_4: Now I thought when I heard this of what you just described of life bouncing around from planet to planet, and I wondered how do we know that Mars isn't some sort of crucial cog in the machinery of an interplanetary ecology.
SPEAKER_2: Oh Alan, don't be a Mars hippie.
SPEAKER_4: Oh sure, sure, go destroy that planet.
SPEAKER_4: Go ahead.
SPEAKER_4: If you do, I'll get Pluto.
SPEAKER_1: Mars has no representation in Congress.
SPEAKER_4: I know, you're right.
SPEAKER_4: I mean, how do we know what we're doing?
SPEAKER_1: I don't think Mars is part of a interplanetary 1960s colony.
SPEAKER_4: You think we're finished getting what we need for Mars?
SPEAKER_4: We just toss it aside like a mistress.
SPEAKER_1: No.
SPEAKER_3: We should hold on to our mistresses.
SPEAKER_1: All I'm saying...
SPEAKER_5: You're saying that we know everything we need to know about Mars right now.
SPEAKER_1: No.
SPEAKER_1: All I'm saying is there are people who want to terraform Mars.
SPEAKER_4: Change the atmosphere.
SPEAKER_1: Turn it into a place that we can then have parties.
SPEAKER_4: Is that a good idea?
SPEAKER_1: I think it is unrealistic for the following reason.
SPEAKER_1: First, we cannot predict next week's weather on Earth.
SPEAKER_1: So for anyone to say we're going to terraform Mars so that it is habitable to us, they're just deluded.
SPEAKER_1: Second, if we had that power, then we would be powerful enough to just fix Earth.
SPEAKER_4: Let's terraform Earth.
SPEAKER_4: Let's get little buttons.
SPEAKER_3: I'm happy to sacrifice Australia to do some tests.
SPEAKER_1: New topic, death and destruction, all the ways the universe wants to kill us.
SPEAKER_1: So many people talk about, oh, Earth is a haven, Earth is beautiful, the universe is just right for life.
SPEAKER_1: So if you want to understand the facts, most of the universe, if I dropped you butt naked, you would be dead some seconds later.
SPEAKER_1: You would freeze for having been too far from a source of heat.
SPEAKER_1: You would vaporize for having been too close.
SPEAKER_1: You would suffocate because in the vacuum of space, there is no air, which means not only can you not breathe, no one can hear you scream.
SPEAKER_1: On Earth, if I dropped you butt naked in 70% of Earth's surface, you are dead approximately 15 minutes later.
SPEAKER_1: You are eaten by sea creatures, you are frozen in the Arctic.
SPEAKER_1: The conditions under which you have become immersed are wholly hostile to life.
SPEAKER_4: For God's sake, let's go to Mars.
SPEAKER_5: The radio audience can't see this, but Neil's face is getting happier and happier with each description.
SPEAKER_5: And he is kind of singling out people in the crowd.
SPEAKER_1: I'm just giving the facts.
SPEAKER_1: And so what we do is we create situations in which we are comfortable.
SPEAKER_1: We wear clothes, we build shelters, we have air conditioning, we have heat.
SPEAKER_1: We can live in cold places, hot places, but we continue to enclose ourselves in a very narrow range of temperatures.
SPEAKER_1: And yet we say that somehow life on earth is a perfect match.
SPEAKER_1: I'm just saying.
SPEAKER_4: What do you want from us?
SPEAKER_3: I'm sorry we have houses.
SPEAKER_1: So let's talk about ways to die.
SPEAKER_1: So in five billion years, the sun will exhaust its source of hydrogen in its core.
SPEAKER_1: That is its fuel tank.
SPEAKER_1: When that happens, its energy output will actually increase because it goes to fuse helium instead of hydrogen.
SPEAKER_1: And when it does, the energy can't get out unless the star expands.
SPEAKER_1: The star continues to expand and gets so large, it engulfs the entire orbit of Mercury.
SPEAKER_1: It keeps growing and engulfs the orbit of Venus and continues to grow until it engulfs the orbit of Earth.
SPEAKER_1: And as this happens, Earth's surface rises in temperature.
SPEAKER_1: Our oceans come to a rolling boil and evaporate into the atmosphere.
SPEAKER_3: And the atmosphere evaporates into space and Earth becomes this charred ember orbiting within the surface of our dying star.
SPEAKER_1: Have a nice day.
SPEAKER_2: Okay.
SPEAKER_3: Do you have a plan for this?
SPEAKER_2: I have it on good authority that as that's happening, the earth's actually going to turn inside out and protect us.
SPEAKER_1: I don't know who your authorities are.
SPEAKER_1: But what is true is if it gets hotter at the orbit of the earth, what we want to do is move farther out in the solar system.
SPEAKER_1: It might be that at that point, we need to make amends with Pluto.
SPEAKER_3: You think by then we'll be able to push the earth towards it?
SPEAKER_1: That's an interesting point.
SPEAKER_2: That's a great point.
SPEAKER_3: It's coming up with solutions, people.
SPEAKER_1: I think it's a more realistic point than earth turning inside out.
SPEAKER_1: If I would vote on which was which.
SPEAKER_1: But if we could tow planets around, sure.
SPEAKER_1: I mean, why not?
SPEAKER_2: I mean, look at the horsepower of our vehicles.
SPEAKER_2: I'm pretty sure.
SPEAKER_2: If we get all of the oil in the earth, we could build a tow ship.
SPEAKER_3: In five billion years?
SPEAKER_2: We'll be dinosaur oil by then.
SPEAKER_1: Did you hear what she said?
SPEAKER_1: She said we will be dinosaur oil by then.
SPEAKER_1: Because in fact, the oil we are extracting from the ground came from a period of earth history called the Carboniferous Era.
SPEAKER_1: And in that period, there was heavy vegetation all around the earth.
SPEAKER_1: In fact, the carbon dioxide level was much higher than it is today.
SPEAKER_1: And the plants thrived on this, and it grew rampantly.
SPEAKER_1: When that period ended, all that vegetation sunk below.
SPEAKER_1: And over time, pressure and heat, the carbon molecule...
SPEAKER_1: In fact, did you know you can make more molecules with carbon than all other molecules combined?
SPEAKER_1: It is the most chemically fertile of any element on the periodic table.
SPEAKER_1: And the people who say, why don't we make aliens out of the element right below carbon on the periodic table?
SPEAKER_1: Those of you who remember your chemistry might remember that columns on the periodic table have the same valence electrons, which means they actually combine with the same elements.
SPEAKER_5: Yes, yes, we know that.
SPEAKER_5: Go on.
SPEAKER_1: So, in principle, every molecule you can make with carbon, you can make with silicon.
SPEAKER_1: That's the element right below carbon.
SPEAKER_1: The problem is, silicon bonds are not flexible.
SPEAKER_1: They're not...
SPEAKER_3: Are you saying they're prudish?
SPEAKER_1: I'm saying they bond and they kind of bond forever, removing the experimenting phases that carbon goes through that enables the diversity of life.
SPEAKER_5: It's like getting married in college.
SPEAKER_4: Ha ha.
SPEAKER_1: Okay, it's exactly like...
SPEAKER_1: When we come back to StarTalk Radio, we will continue with our live broadcast from the Bell House.
SPEAKER_1: Bell House, shout out.
SPEAKER_1: And that's only after one drink.
SPEAKER_1: Welcome back to the Bell House, live in Brooklyn, at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival.
SPEAKER_1: Let's talk about black holes.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah.
SPEAKER_2: I love them.
SPEAKER_1: First advice, avoid them at all costs.
SPEAKER_2: But why not?
SPEAKER_2: What if something awesome is on the other side?
SPEAKER_1: Okay, you could go visit it.
SPEAKER_2: But you couldn't come back.
SPEAKER_1: It would be the last thing you ever did.
SPEAKER_2: How do you know?
SPEAKER_2: You've never done it.
SPEAKER_1: Because I can calculate it.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, but I'm going to be over there having the time of my life.
SPEAKER_1: Now.
SPEAKER_1: Okay, let's find out what shape you will be in while you're having the time of your life.
SPEAKER_2: I'll be a light beam.
SPEAKER_1: Black holes don't discriminate.
SPEAKER_1: They suck light beams just as much as they suck matter.
SPEAKER_1: So as you fall towards a black hole, the gravity that you experience begins to grow.
SPEAKER_1: Well, that's obvious because you're getting closer to its center of gravity.
SPEAKER_1: But a more diabolical thing happens as this unfolds.
SPEAKER_1: The gravity at your feet starts becoming greater than the gravity at your head by ever increasing margins.
SPEAKER_1: In other words, you're going to get taller, exactly.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_1: But this is okay to a point.
SPEAKER_1: This force, it's called the tidal force, is stretching you head to toe.
SPEAKER_1: This will be okay at first, but it rapidly becomes unpleasant because the force will eventually exceed the intermolecular bonds that keep your flesh together in one human form.
SPEAKER_3: I had this exact argument last night with someone.
SPEAKER_3: Are there tiny black holes all around us, changing our brains?
SPEAKER_1: Very tiny black holes don't live very long, they evaporate.
SPEAKER_1: No, but you have to find a way to make them, and they don't just sort of show up.
SPEAKER_4: But aren't they being made routinely because of cosmic rays colliding?
SPEAKER_4: Don't you often get little black holes?
SPEAKER_1: I'm not authorized to answer that question.
SPEAKER_4: No, I thought that was one of the arguments.
SPEAKER_1: You're absolutely right.
SPEAKER_1: In fact, I'll get to that after I kill her in a black hole.
SPEAKER_2: Well, I'm already dead, because I'm in a lot of pieces, right?
SPEAKER_2: Because it shattered all my molecules.
SPEAKER_2: But I'm still going for the ride.
SPEAKER_1: Well, here you go.
SPEAKER_1: You're going for the ride.
SPEAKER_1: So, your body bifurcates.
SPEAKER_1: Your body snaps into two pieces.
SPEAKER_3: You don't have to swear.
SPEAKER_1: How often do you bifurcate?
SPEAKER_1: Yes, in private only.
SPEAKER_4: So I saw that on Seinfeld.
SPEAKER_1: So your body splits in two, and you'll probably separate at your lower spine.
SPEAKER_1: This is the likeliest place where that would happen.
SPEAKER_1: Meanwhile, this force continues, this tidal force, and the two halves of you will continue to stretch.
SPEAKER_1: And so your upper half will split into two, as will your lower half.
SPEAKER_5: And they will battle each other.
SPEAKER_5: Predominance.
SPEAKER_1: You are now four pieces in a train going down.
SPEAKER_1: And this continues to split, four, eight, 16, 32.
SPEAKER_3: That you can't go.
SPEAKER_1: Higher.
SPEAKER_1: Quick, 2 to the 10th power.
SPEAKER_1: 1,024.
SPEAKER_1: Give this man a drink over there, that's right.
SPEAKER_1: So at one point you will be 2 to the 10th pieces as you continue to bifurcate.
SPEAKER_1: Now, that is not the worst that will happen to you.
SPEAKER_1: Because as you go down, the black hole is much smaller than the fabric of space-time that you previously occupied.
SPEAKER_1: And as you come down to the point that is the center of the black hole, your body funnels down into a narrower and narrower zone.
SPEAKER_2: That's a good time for all my pieces to come back together again.
SPEAKER_1: Well, no, no, okay.
SPEAKER_1: They will come together left to right, but not top to bottom.
SPEAKER_2: That's fine.
SPEAKER_2: I'm back together.
SPEAKER_1: Well, you're in a long skinny...
SPEAKER_1: So what...
SPEAKER_1: So you have been extruded through the fabric of space like toothpaste through a tube.
SPEAKER_1: And we have a word for death by this manner.
SPEAKER_2: How many people have died this way?
SPEAKER_1: It's called spaghettification.
SPEAKER_1: That is what it's called.
SPEAKER_3: And if you wore a helmet, this would still happen.
SPEAKER_1: Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_1: Now, Alan, you worry about these mini black holes.
SPEAKER_1: There was talk that the supercollider...
SPEAKER_4: I'm not worried about them.
SPEAKER_4: I just was mentioning that I thought I read that they do occur.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah.
SPEAKER_3: I'm worried.
SPEAKER_1: Okay, we got it.
SPEAKER_1: So the supercollider over in Switzerland, the Large Hadron Collider, creates energies at the sweet spot where there's a chance it could create some black holes.
SPEAKER_1: And some people were worried that it would consume the earth and end all of life as we know it.
SPEAKER_4: Silly people.
SPEAKER_1: So they're worried about this, and you can do the calculation and show that that's not likely to happen.
SPEAKER_1: By the way, if it did happen, you would never know it, because you won't be able to travel faster than the black holes act of eating the earth.
SPEAKER_1: So the message can't get to you.
SPEAKER_4: Right.
SPEAKER_4: But what about that they're happening anyway?
SPEAKER_1: Well, that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_1: So the reason why we know this is not a danger is that the greatest particle accelerator in the universe is the universe itself.
SPEAKER_1: And there are particles of extremely high energy getting accelerated from the centers of galaxies, streaming towards earth, colliding with our atmosphere, producing just the kind of reactions that we're creating in the particle accelerators.
SPEAKER_1: And if we were ever going to become eaten by a black hole, it would have happened long ago.
SPEAKER_2: Well, aren't those particles, aren't they time traveling?
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, well, actually, yes, they are.
SPEAKER_1: They are moving into...
SPEAKER_1: In fact, I've got a whole section on weird relativistic phenomena.
SPEAKER_1: Can you wait that long or do you need a little...
SPEAKER_2: Can I?
SPEAKER_2: I'll travel ahead and find out.
SPEAKER_1: We'll see if she can wait that long.
SPEAKER_1: I have a whole segment on that.
SPEAKER_4: Oh, good.
SPEAKER_4: Okay.
SPEAKER_4: I can't wait.
SPEAKER_1: Gene.
SPEAKER_3: I'm waiting.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah.
SPEAKER_1: Okay.
SPEAKER_1: You were like bated breath there.
SPEAKER_4: I'm traveling to that time when you're going to say it.
SPEAKER_1: We will.
SPEAKER_1: Alan, that looks like something else.
SPEAKER_1: He's making this face.
SPEAKER_1: Alan is making a...
SPEAKER_4: I'm just trying to time travel.
SPEAKER_1: A face that needs digestive tract medicine.
SPEAKER_4: There's a cut in the radio show right there.
SPEAKER_1: What I forgot to tell you is if you spin a black hole, then it loses the singularity in its center.
SPEAKER_1: So when you fall towards it, you don't go to the singularity, and it's possible for the spinning black hole to create an entire other dimensional universe within it.
SPEAKER_1: And if you go in at just the right trajectory, you will slingshot into that other universe.
SPEAKER_5: So Kristen, just do that.
SPEAKER_2: That's what I was sort of getting at.
SPEAKER_2: But then you split me up into like 80 pieces.
SPEAKER_3: All she has to do is spin a black hole, and she can go party.
SPEAKER_1: This is the case.
SPEAKER_2: Yeah, with my space toe, I'll grab the edge of the black hole, and I'll spin it around.
SPEAKER_1: There you go, if you can find a place to grab.
SPEAKER_4: What do you mean if you spin a black hole?
SPEAKER_4: How could you possibly spin a black hole?
SPEAKER_1: You find one that's already spinning.
SPEAKER_4: And then you jump inside.
SPEAKER_1: Then you jump inside.
SPEAKER_1: You can, in principle, survive that and end up with an entire other universe inside the black hole.
SPEAKER_4: I can see myself stepping out of the rocket ship saying, this should work in principle.
SPEAKER_5: But do shop around.
SPEAKER_2: You don't think that there's an edge of a black hole at all, like a little rim there?
SPEAKER_1: No, it's not a rim, for sure.
SPEAKER_1: It is a hole.
SPEAKER_1: It's a three-dimensional hole.
SPEAKER_1: Like, normally you think of a hole as a hole in the floor.
SPEAKER_1: In space, you can fall in from any direction, and you go in its whole universe inside of that.
SPEAKER_2: Cool.
SPEAKER_1: It's very cool.
SPEAKER_3: Like a space window to death.
SPEAKER_1: Yes, that's if you want to name the movie.
SPEAKER_4: So wait, how is the universe going to end?
SPEAKER_4: You got us all excited.
SPEAKER_3: You are obsessed with death.
SPEAKER_5: Everything you've mentioned is about how you want an alien corpse.
SPEAKER_5: Here's how the different ways you are going to die.
SPEAKER_5: Here's how the Earth will die.
SPEAKER_5: Tell us individually how each one of us is going to die.
SPEAKER_5: Because I think you've got like a chart on your wall at home.
SPEAKER_1: Well, why are kids fascinated with dinosaurs?
SPEAKER_1: Because dinosaurs can eat kids.
SPEAKER_1: So I never really grew up.
SPEAKER_3: So can I, but nobody cares.
SPEAKER_1: My grown up counterpart to dinosaurs that eat children is a black hole.
SPEAKER_1: I like relishing in all the ways a black hole will kill us.
SPEAKER_2: I want to know how the universe will end.
SPEAKER_2: I want to know.
SPEAKER_1: So how will the universe end?
SPEAKER_1: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
SPEAKER_1: Not in fire, but in ice.
SPEAKER_1: It's very pretty.
SPEAKER_1: We're an expanding universe.
SPEAKER_1: It's a one-way trip.
SPEAKER_1: The energy density of the universe is dropping by the minute, which means the universe is getting colder and colder and colder.
SPEAKER_1: Every star that gets made, most of those stars will never return their gas to the galaxy from which it was born, so that even the gas clouds that give us these rich, beautiful images that we see brought to us by the Hubble telescope, those will ultimately become locked into stars.
SPEAKER_1: Those stars will live out their lives and die.
SPEAKER_1: One by one, the stars will burn out in the nighttime sky as the universe expands to oblivion.
SPEAKER_3: StarTalk!
SPEAKER_1: But when this happens, all processes grind to a halt.
SPEAKER_3: We're going to be in a spinning universe in a black hole.
SPEAKER_1: You'd have to escape this universe, go to another, because that one has no hope for you.
SPEAKER_3: That's my plan.
SPEAKER_1: It's what we call the thermal death of the universe, where our temperature, remember this word, asymptotically, approaches absolute zero.
SPEAKER_1: And when the whole universe becomes absolute zero, there can be no machines, no motion, no nothing.
SPEAKER_1: Not only that, the very proton that is in the center of the atoms of the molecules of your body, even that decays.
SPEAKER_1: And all matter as we know it ceases to exist.
SPEAKER_2: Let's shut down for lyrics for an emo song.
SPEAKER_1: When we come back to StarTalk Radio, we will continue with our live broadcast from the Bell House.
SPEAKER_1: Welcome back to StarTalk Radio, brought to you in part by the National Science Foundation.
SPEAKER_1: In this segment of our first show, recorded in front of a live audience at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival in the Bell House in Brooklyn, we talked about the dangers posed by asteroid Apophis, which is headed our way.
SPEAKER_1: In addition to Eugene, our panel included comedians Scott Adsit and Kristen Schaal, and also our very special guest, Alan Alda.
SPEAKER_1: We are in the path of bad asteroids.
SPEAKER_1: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: Somebody said no.
SPEAKER_1: The answer is yes.
SPEAKER_4: We are.
SPEAKER_1: There is an asteroid discovered December 2004 that's the size of the Rose Bowl.
SPEAKER_1: You get a few images of it.
SPEAKER_1: You get its trajectory.
SPEAKER_1: You calculate using fundamental laws of gravity, and we learned that it was on a collision course with Earth.
SPEAKER_1: Upon learning that, this asteroid got the name Apophis, named for the Egyptian god of death and darkness.
SPEAKER_1: Had it not been headed for Earth, we would have just simply named it something else, something a little less menacing.
SPEAKER_1: Ben Affleck.
SPEAKER_1: We could have done it.
SPEAKER_1: Or Bambi or Tiffany, something that is not threatening.
SPEAKER_1: And so this asteroid, on later calculation we showed, it was not going to actually hit Earth, but it's going to come really close.
SPEAKER_1: So calculations show that on April 13th, in the year 2029...
SPEAKER_4: 39.
SPEAKER_1: 2029.
SPEAKER_3: I wanted Alan to be right so much.
SPEAKER_3: Just to have you be like, okay, I got one thing wrong.
SPEAKER_4: I hope it's not 2029.
SPEAKER_2: I didn't have 10 extra years.
SPEAKER_3: Yeah.
SPEAKER_5: Is it going to come close enough that we can touch it like Free Willy?
SPEAKER_1: As he swam over...
SPEAKER_1: No, no, it would be my answer to that.
SPEAKER_1: I'll tell you how close it will get.
SPEAKER_1: On April 13th, 2029, which is a Friday, by the way, just works out that way, asteroid Apophis will come close enough to Earth to dip below our orbiting communication satellites.
SPEAKER_1: It will be the largest, closest thing ever to come by Earth, giving us a buzz cut.
SPEAKER_4: How far is that?
SPEAKER_1: How far has it come within 18,000 miles of Earth's surface?
SPEAKER_5: Has any advertising space been sold on it yet?
SPEAKER_1: No.
SPEAKER_1: Asteroid Apophis.
SPEAKER_1: Now here's the kicker.
SPEAKER_1: We do not know the orbit well enough to answer the following question.
SPEAKER_1: Will it hit us its next time around seven years later?
SPEAKER_1: Because we have a seven-year course of intersection.
SPEAKER_1: You can cross the street and not get hit by a truck because the truck comes five minutes later or you can cross the street at the same time the truck comes.
SPEAKER_1: We have asteroids crossing Earth's orbit all the time, just not while we happen to be there.
SPEAKER_1: Apophis currently is timed with us being with it in the same time at the same place.
SPEAKER_4: So why can't we figure out its orbit by watching how it travels before it enters?
SPEAKER_1: We do, but the precision of that orbit isn't good enough to tell us whether or not the asteroid will thread what we're calling a keyhole.
SPEAKER_1: Of all the possible orbits it could have from our uncertainty, there's a range of orbits the keyhole.
SPEAKER_1: If it goes through that keyhole, then Earth's gravity on the asteroid will be just right.
SPEAKER_1: So that seven years later, it will hit Earth.
SPEAKER_4: How fast can we get to Mars?
SPEAKER_4: I don't care what we do to that atmosphere.
SPEAKER_1: All right, if it doesn't go through the keyhole, if it comes under the keyhole, it will come short of Earth and miss us below.
SPEAKER_1: If it goes above the keyhole, it will overshoot Earth.
SPEAKER_1: If it's through the keyhole, all the gravity conspires to hit Earth.
SPEAKER_1: The center of that keyhole is 500 kilometers due west of Santa Monica, California.
SPEAKER_1: And if it hits, it will plunge into the Pacific Ocean to a depth of three miles, at which point it will explode, cavitating the ocean to a width of three miles.
SPEAKER_1: That initial hit will send a tsunami wave spreading in all directions from that point.
SPEAKER_1: It will hit California first, it will hit Santa Monica first, with essentially a tidal wave that's five stories tall.
SPEAKER_1: Now, here's the kicker.
SPEAKER_3: Yeah, give us the bad news, Neil.
SPEAKER_1: So, here goes.
SPEAKER_1: There's the matter of that hole in the Pacific Ocean.
SPEAKER_1: The water sloshes back into the hole, splashes into itself, rises high into the atmosphere, and recoil to this hole, falls back to the ocean, cavitating it a second time, sending a second tsunami wave 45 seconds later.
SPEAKER_5: Like a macro drop of water.
SPEAKER_1: Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_1: Yes.
SPEAKER_1: But here's the thing, this sloshing will continue for about 45 minutes, which means the first tsunami wave that hits has to go back out to the ocean to feed the second tsunami wave.
SPEAKER_1: And so, these 40 tsunami waves come and go.
SPEAKER_1: The first they come in, and then they go out, taking homes with them, expensive, malleable homes, all go with them.
SPEAKER_1: Then it comes back.
SPEAKER_1: It comes back at the back.
SPEAKER_1: Yes, the homes come back.
SPEAKER_1: But in a slightly different shape than they were before.
SPEAKER_2: Come back.
SPEAKER_1: And so, as this happens, all of our man-made stuff that was on the coastline becomes this ablative material that will wipe clean the entire west coast of North America.
SPEAKER_3: Are you saying we'll be fine?
SPEAKER_3: We'll be fine.
SPEAKER_3: It doesn't sound that bad.
SPEAKER_1: We know approximately how far in the tsunami we'll go.
SPEAKER_1: You can set up a velvet rope and just watch this because it has to go back out.
SPEAKER_1: It can't continue to come inland.
SPEAKER_1: It will go back out, but here's what you do.
SPEAKER_3: Stand in Ohio, giving it the finger and laughing.
SPEAKER_1: Now, nobody has to die because of the power of Newton's laws of gravity that enable us, empower us to calculate when and where this is going to hit.
SPEAKER_1: You just evacuate the west coast of North America.
SPEAKER_1: Well, I got to tell you, two people will die.
SPEAKER_1: Two people will die.
SPEAKER_5: It's going to be me, isn't it?
SPEAKER_1: No!
SPEAKER_1: Two people are sure to die.
SPEAKER_3: Howie Mandel.
SPEAKER_3: Just a guess.
SPEAKER_1: Okay, I will tell you, we all know these people.
SPEAKER_1: The first one is the stupid surfer who wants to surf the wave in.
SPEAKER_1: Death number one.
SPEAKER_1: Death number two.
SPEAKER_1: The stupid weatherman who is trying to get closer to the storm.
SPEAKER_1: You know the guy who is trying to get the cameraman closer every time?
SPEAKER_1: Those are the only two deaths that we will experience at that time.
SPEAKER_4: How big is this asteroid?
SPEAKER_1: It is the size of the Rose Bowl.
SPEAKER_1: 300 meters across.
SPEAKER_2: So it's a dumb rock.
SPEAKER_1: It's a bad rock.
SPEAKER_3: In your opinion, how big is this Rose Bowl?
SPEAKER_4: I thought something the size of the Rose Bowl would do more damage than that.
SPEAKER_1: More damage than pulverizing the entire west coast of North America?
SPEAKER_3: You said how the world would end, not how we would not have LA.
SPEAKER_1: No, so that would not end the world.
SPEAKER_1: That would just be really bad for the coastal residents of the Pacific Ocean.
SPEAKER_5: You guys told us to evacuate Manhattan because of the hurricane, and it kind of spit on us for about a half hour.
SPEAKER_1: Yeah, yeah, it just kind of went...
SPEAKER_5: So you know what I'm going to do?
SPEAKER_5: I'm grabbing my surfboard.
SPEAKER_2: And we would have seven years to prepare for that if you see it going through the keyhole, right?
SPEAKER_1: So if it does go through the keyhole, it will hit us April 13th once again in the year 2036.
SPEAKER_1: But that will be a Thursday, just so you know.
SPEAKER_1: We went so over time at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival that, in fact, we got two complete StarTalk broadcasts out of it.
SPEAKER_1: Tune in next week for the second half of our live show at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York.
SPEAKER_1: To keep looking up.